swan's Journal

India...
Day 1:
Landed in Milan, Italy, at 6:30 AM and Blessed with the news that my flight to Delhi was delayed until the next day (all overnight accomodations arranged and paid). I walked the city until my legs could walk no more. overwhelmed at the beauty of architecture and light. I stumbled upon the most incredible cathedral which was once only a picture and name in my art history book. i feel such great love from the universe for this opportunity.

Day 2:
Flying, and keeping myself awake to adjust to Delhi time. Davis was waiting, smiling...we were driven to her parents house. Most of the day lost in flight. Conversed with the Sikh next to me.

Day 3:
Now in India, 2005, My home is with me...will this journal serve as a release or will it demand hard thinking. I want to be able to just write...and not think to much of how I write. Through writing, i am able to acknowledge my experience.
The next 10 days will be with the women in the workshop. These women and girls will look to Davis and I for an understanding that i fear we have not. Let me find that which is universal in movement and sound. Let us find movement that heals, and communication whcih transcends our words. Let us find harmony in each moment.

Day 4:
At the airport again. A trip from delhi to hyderabad. i notice the womens clothes--all of the beautiful fabric. my new clothes fit me nicely...and fitting to my true taste. I can not help but stare at the women and think that I am home because of how they are dressed.

Day 5:
It is morning, yet not quite morning. I'm watching as the sky turns from black to blue. This is my favorite time, blue time. I'm sitting on a large expansive stone balcony, overlooking the outskirts of the city of Hyderabad. We arrived last night by plane, a ride of intense conversation about what we will do the next 10 days...exploring ideas and our uncertainty about how our western approach might be inappropriate. We begin the classes today. I am about to choreograph the warm-up in my new full-length straight skirt...so to make sure participants are all able to dance, regardless of dress. Deep pastell reds and orange stretch upward from the horizon over the haze which is most likely smog.
I'm notice the waning moon tilts upward more-so then home...before leaving, it rested like a basket in the sky. The dark side is visible in the growing
light...

My foremost goal in these next 10 days is to work in harmony with Davis. I know that if we continue in harmony, we will accomplish our goals with ease. There is quite a mountain ahead of us...28 girls/women. Originally we planned for women over the age of 17 years of age, but were given 17 years as the oldest.
My legs itch with mosquito bites. I'm thinking about taking my malaria pills today.
I'm working to focus postiviely on my ability to take this challenge through. My thoughts continue to pummel me with the fact that I am a priveledged white girl who has been in india for only a few days.
It is time for me to dance now. Once again, I question myself...the only music I have brought is middle-eastern electronic fusion, and one south indian cd they will probably laugh at. Why did I fail to bring basic drumming music?
We will begin with warming movement. My words translated for those who don't speak english.
Somehow, writing keeps me present. I want to be an active participant in my reality. I want to happen upon my world rather then live in a world happening to me.
I am very much on the outside of this world. At the same time I am home. I have found a place which reflects my internal world. Spirit is strong here, leading the actions of the people...colors and dust and constant movement.
Today, I want to be sensitive, intuitive in each moment. Patient and allowing.

Day 6??
The sounds of the city are non-stop. Horn-honking has been taken to a whole new level. Driving is extremely aggressive and chaotic. The streets are shared by many small cars and overfilled busses, carts pulled by bicycles, carts pulled by decorated cows, carts pushed by pedestrians, motorcycles with four passengers, motorcycles with women in beautiful saris riding side-saddle AND holding small children on their laps with husband driving AND holding a small child on his lap, motorcycles with small children nested in front and behind the driver, motorcycles with 3 grown men, 2 person rikshaws with 6 women fabric streaming out the open door. The very rare traffic-lights seem to yield to the most aggressive, the line dividing the direction of flow does not stop drivers from facing oncoming traffic...it truly is a game of chicken...and it is played to the very last inch.

These tea cups are too small. Details are getting to me. Flies. Mosquitos. I want to start my day in peace.

The sounds from the mosque next door are soothing to me. I can organize and work effectifvely with details. I am strong in my discipline to be organized. Today the girls will be separated into groups of three....changing a few times.

I am feeling much in me wanting to release. I want to feel positive...especially before this day. I want to find a joyful approach.

The girls are beautiful, and deserve the best. I want to give them this.
The sound of a flute playing is in the distance now. There is joy here

Day 7???
I want to work in harmony with Davis. AND,I want to be an active participant in my reality.
Yesterday was work and was full of joy. I am feeling a very close bond forming with the girls. The morning began heavy for me, just wanting a little break from this constant moving, flying travelling, then flying, then meetings, and planning and teaching. Arriving in the classroom, an expansive cement space that echoes. We formed a circle and I led the warm-up, and dance movements which came to me in the moment. All I could see were beautiful smiling faces, and I was smiling the whole day, reflecting their smiles at me.

I learned the proper way to eat with my hands today...all five fingers they told me...surrounding me, watching me drop food out of my mouth...I felt very joyful from their laughter. Every time I took a bite they giggled...I think my lips look funny to them. They showed me how to make a spoon out of my four fingers, ONLY eat with the right hand, twisting the food with five fingers...no utensils, so effecient.
I found out that my nose piercing is on the correct side for the many southern indian tribes. I was given a bindi by a girl, Madhuri, whose head was shaved not too long ago. She told me that she sacrificed her hair to the temple.
We are all communicating successfully, though the participants all speak Telugul with only a small bit of english. In dance, we communicate through movement. They love the movement that I bring, and that Davis brings. And they have been teaching me many of their dances. I think I have actually learned much more from them then they have from me.

Day ???
Dancing on the balcony. Movement which drives the soul...soul-driving-the-body type of movement.
Have I been staying in the craft to avoid my art? Have I been driving technique to avoid the dance? The layers I could travel through to turn movement into expression are infinite...I move into them, the layers, and find there is yet an even deeper form in the movement, and I wonder if some day I will dissapear entirely from this reality into those layers.
Always, there is energy in my body to dance...for it is not food-energy...metabolized energy which starts in the muscles actually functions only to complete the movement started by the source that strted my existance in this form. Source, happpy to be moving becomes ecstatic when blended with expression in my current form. source desires to make art out of movement. Art is expression of source. Art is contrast between reality and source. Souce is where i begin.

day ****
I want to relax a bit at some point. no such point is exists soon.
i'm curious about the strong movie culture that exists here. It seems that even these girls from the streets and slums know the dances and songs of the movies.
i feel very blessed to have Davis as my friend. It seems such a high priority to her that I am well. She is truly a genious when it comes to personal relationships. She is teaching me, through her actions, what it is, to give.

I search for a place of peace in myself...searching for a point of balance to find myself well and giving wellness to the world...approaching the world with peace in my heart.

There is a freedom in walking bare foot everywhere. A trusting of the earth. My heart is with joy at the thought of how much i find home in this place. Home in the air, kids smiling at me, the many motorcycles, the singing from the mosque at dawn. I like the common expression of "yes" here...so different...a tilting of the head side to side.

The universe has gifted me much beauty...not only in this place. Realizing my past anger and mistrust of the way of things because there was no sign, no answer to my constant asking...finally, and not just in india, finally i am living the way i want to be. Remembering dreams from years ago...four years ago, i dreamed of this place. Dancing colorful fabrics, and young women laughing...the dream, long forgotten, has resurfaced in my memory, and in my present moment. I feel it is only through my taking of risk, and which has taken much courage over time to break from that which i questioned, it is only then, NOW, that the universe finally speaks clearly. And I feel that only the surface has been touched...there is much more.

I see that in the opening of love is the opening of pain. I must remember, just as in getting my shots, this pain will not bring death.

jan. 9.
The participants of the workshop have named the workshop Gamanam-Kadilikala Divara. Kadilika Divara is Telegou for "progress through movement"
Gamanam: road to be travelled, distance travelled, showing someone the path, following the path towards a goal, determined work to reach a goal...

The idea that dance can bring healing and empowerment has always been a reality for my personal existance, but never felt as something I could share or inspire. In seeing this therapeutic experience happen so easily in these young women, I am moved to explore this idea further.

Davis and I have a performance which we need to organize in 3 days. A day of rest would be so wonderful. We are working much longer and harder then we anticipated...and the work feels driven by our connection to what we are doing.

Jan 10;
Today was very hard work. I felt myself boiling emotionally at one point. I'm having a very difficult time of seeing how a performance will be good for these women. I am in full conflict with this program. If there is to be a performance, it needs to be about the group...not singling people out to make the rest feel less than. The dance was about building something together. Now it is about building an appearance for the outside world...at least it is for others with which i am collaborating.
Last night mosquitos attacked my hands...a thousand itching spots.

Tuesday;
Today I wake feeling different...As if something in me has changed. Last night I realized a deep sadness...and I asked for an answer. This morning, I connect to the vibration of flowers, soft flowers, delicate flowers.

I will not forget the image of little kids begging for food.
I will not forget the people looking from their balconys and out their windows as our group walked home...singing beautifully in the night. These singing women are also the girls on the street.

What is next for me right now? What do I want from today? Today, I want to have the performance organized completely. No stress. I want to make a great performance with which each woman will find joy and pride. I want to encourage their focus through my focus, with ample amounts of energy. And Fun. i want to have peaceful interactions from the heart, from sisterhood, not from diplomacy, but from truth.

1/12
Today is the performance. In speaking with Davis this morning, we realized that we have done a great job--our personal best. There is nothing that we could have done better...I do feel that I have put forth 110 percent of my thought and spirit into this project.
Now, we all share a similar fear, which is the question of will we ever see each other again? Regardless of the confidence building, the problem solving, development of community, and development individually, some of these young women will dissapear into other situations.

This program is so incredible. It actively takes kids out of child labor, or off the street, it gives girls a chance for literacy and education before being married off by their parents, and then puts them in a school which teaches life-skills applicable for them to make choices about their future. The program works in collaboration with hundreds of businesses in India, finding what the market needs, then giving the kids an opportunity to choose, and to build the skills for those particular jobs. It's not about the jobs though, It truly runs itself by the participants, and helping them to heal and be in the world in a healthy way. Whatever the kids say, the adults don't question, they just make it happen. When the kids start dropping out, the adults find out why from the kids, and they apply the needed change. Everything is run by the kids and what they want...the adults just do the legwork.

I think that i can feel Michael thinking of me right now.

I am hopeful of what I think we have.

jan. 13
Last night went flawlessly. We all spent the entire afternoon getting dressed and doing make-up. The girls and a few wise women did my hair and my dress, and my make-up. They cared for me with complete love. I feel so accepted into their world. Many people from the town packed into the room to see the performance. It was a magical evening. Davis and I decided to get Pizza to celebrate. Only five or so could eat it...most thought it was disgusting. The girls sang bollywood songs and danced late into the night.

Today was emotionally trying, and almost traumatic. We went to the shelter to bring our performance to the women and girls who lived there. The girls were quiet and shy...few smiled when I smiled. I thought we were going to be working with women, but in fact most of them were children...our understanding was that this was a shelter only for women who have been rescued from sex-trafficking. There were about 15 women there, and at least 50 kids....many around 7 years and even younger. The director explained that all of the people in this place are HIV positive....every single one of these kids. None of them contracted the disease at birth...all from rape, all from being taken into work for prostitution and pornography. It is a fact that most of these children will not make it past 17 years of age. The older girls are treated as if they will live a normal life.

Our girls from the performance have come from a variety of traumatic exploitive situations, and thinking about their past has been really heartbreaking...but the level of exploitation existing in this shelter brings a new pain in me, one which is very sharp. And an even deeper sadness in looking at the world...in thinking of the people out there who did this to these kids. It is too much to think about without having a breakdown at some point.

We gave a presentation to these kids. It was great to see our group reaching out, interacting with the residents of the shelter. Our plan was completely changed due to the fact that 75 percent of the audience were kids under 10 years old. Davis was on the fly...and did great. She made them laugh, made them interact...even through all her words being translated. Our group did a great performance, making all of their tribal sounds loud...and the residents loved it.

Our girls gathered around Davis and I afterwards, as they do at the end of everything we do. But this time, the hugs and secret handshakes turned into tears. We all knew that a bus was waiting outside to take them home...this was the end of our time together. Their breakdown was stressful because it was on the "stage", and in front of the residents. We had to get the emotional stuff outside because the other kids do not need any more drama in their lives. I didn't know how to react, I felt as though I needed to stay strong, but I could not help being moved...even the girls who normally behaved very detatched were crying. They all expressed their love to me...from their hearts. It is true that our experience was unique and special. I feel initiated into their tribe. I feel like they are my sisters. We promised we would not forget...each one of them I looked in their eyes and we promised.
Madhuri, the one with shaved hair, is the most special to me. She is 16 years old. She glows from within. She is so strong, I know. I have so much love for her, that I would adopt her. Seriously. She gave me her notebook and asked for me to write our pre-performance mantra. I wrote pages and pages of affirmations i normally say to myself. I know it will take her a while to translate it. She sat next to me on the bus asking my advice about various things. I hope so badly that I can know her in the future. I want to buy her a plane ticket to the states...and let her see women living fully in choice. I want her to have a chance to succeed. Why didn't I just slip her some cash, I don't know. At least I could have given her something for emergencies....